Gloom-ishness

Today is a bit of a gloomy day. I don't quite know how to explain it. I don't feel constant gloom. It's just interwoven between everything. I have these happy moments with Nathan, or a conversation with Chris and I feel happy. Then a few minutes later the gloom-ishness comes back.

I'm sharing this on the blog, not because I want pity, or because I'm in despair. I just wanted to share because I'm trying to not numb my feelings. I'm trying to work through them and along side them. We came to this earth to have the good and the bad, the happy and the painful. Even though the gloom is uncomfortable, I think I'm supposed to feel it, not try to block it out.

And you know, when I acknowledge that I'm feeling down, for some reason it helps me feel more like digging deep and pulling through. When I hide or try to suppress my emotions, they just end up building like a pressure cooker until I melt down. It's like I have to face the feelings at some point, and I think it's a lot healthier for me to face them as they come, rather than stuff them under the rug until they're bulging out and then I have to deal with all of them at the same time.

What do you think? What helps you when you're feeling the gloom-ishness (from depression or from anything else)?

A bit bowled over by tender mercies

So it's a little psycho right now at the Machado household. Here's the bulleted list explanation:

• Chris is student teaching in Spanish Fork (with the awesome Shea Bradshaw)
• Chris is assisting in BYU Men's Chorus this year (and they have auditions/callbacks this week)
• Chris is the assistant conductor in Cantorum, an early music choir that got started in the Provo/Orem area a couple years ago
• Chris is teaching several voice students at the Art City Music Academy
• Sarah is pregnant (due October 26th)
• Sarah is taking care of a 17-month-old boy
• Sarah is training two new employees at Art City Music requiring about 16 hours a week (this is in preparation for her to leave when the baby comes)
• We only have one car
• We are poor college students
• Both Chris and Sarah have two callings at church and are home/visiting teachers
• etc...

It's been a week of ups and downs for me. That's for sure. The depression makes things seem bleaker, and it also combines with pregnancy to make simple things a lot more stressful. But holy. cow. I have been shocked at all the love and support friends and family have extended to us. As an example, let me tell you a story from this morning...

Chris went off to school at about 7:00, and I had a 32-week checkup with the doctor at 9:20. We've been asking everyone and their dog for help with babysitting and rides, so I decided that I'd walk the 11 blocks to the doctor's office and push Nathaniel in the stroller. Things went great until I actually took a look at the stroller. Two flat tires. hmmm.... well I knew we had a bike pump... even though I'd never used it. So I tried to pump up the tires myself.

No luck. Part of me thought, "how bad could it be to push the stroller on flat tires?" and decided to start walking. After about half a block, I realized it was not going to work. I started praying that somehow God would help us get to the doctor's office and that things would work out. 

After retrieving our bike pump from the apartment, I had the thought to see if my friend Beverly's car was in her driveway (she lives just around the corner from us). It was there. Not really sure what to ask for, but knowing that I needed help, I went and knocked on her door. She answered and I just asked, "Are you any good with a bike pump?" and explained about my flat tires. Beverly said that she wasn't, but her boys or her brother (who happened to be there) might be able to help. Her brother got down on the ground and pumped up those tires beautifully, and meanwhile, Beverly told me that if we were running late, she could give us a ride over to the doctor's office, and we could just put our stroller in her trunk.

I was sooo grateful. Beverly and I have been good friends since we first moved into the ward, and every possible chance she has to help, I have seen her jump in with a smile on her face to help out someone in need. She's one of my heroes to be sure.

So, tires pumped, we hopped into Beverly's car and ended up being a little early for my appointment thanks to the time we saved driving instead of walking.

I don't know how to express my gratitude to her and my Heavenly Father for their help. It was so much more than just getting us out of a physical predicament. It saved me from the emotional and mental turmoil I was swimming through (thanks to my depressed and pregnant body).

And so many other people have helped us too. Here's a list of some of the blessings:

• Babysitting for several hours from former roommates, friends and ward members
• Rides for me and Nathaniel to and from work and other places
• Co-workers who are fun to be with and lift my spirits
• A bag full of fresh fruit hanging from our door when we got home last night
• Boxes of Chex cereal for $1.49 at Macey's and a husband who went and got me 12 boxes
• A check from a dear Grandma to help us make ends meet
• Encouraging words from friends and family
• A mother who is coming to stay with us for a few days next week to help out
• A visit from Mom, Shanna, Abbie, and Grandma on Labor Day with delicious food provided
• Hugs from my little boy when I've been sad
• Help from my little boy when chores need to be done (he helped empty the whole dishwasher yesterday. He'd grab a dish. Hold it out to me. Say "uh?" and I'd put it away)
• Listening ears and encouragement from Christopher when I'm freaking out
• etc...

Like I said, I don't know how to express my gratitude. I'm just bowled over by the love. Thanks guys. You all are definitely helping to lift up the hands that hang down. May God bless each and every one of you.

17-month-old

Tomorrow, the little guy turns 17 months old. Here are a few of the things he's been up to lately:

Sitting in his new chair. (thanks D.I.!)

Learning to wipe his own nose.

Discovering that keys are for doorknobs. 

(but that it's tricky to get them in the right spot!)

Life is full of giggles and joy when this guy is around. Can't believe he's going to be a big brother in about two months!

(all photo credits thanks to Grandma Kimi :)

1-year-old joy

It just might be impossible to go through a day without smiling and laughing at least once. 1-year-olds just have that effect on people.

• Yesterday Nathan started pretend growling, and he thinks it's hilarious (so do his parents).
• Today he learned how to say "uh-oh," even though he doesn't yet know what it means. 
• He says thanks all the time. It usually sounds like "daints!" 
• He often goes and grabs a book from his room or off the floor, holds it out to me and says, "uh?" How could I not read it to him?

He smiles so easily.
He laughs so quickly.
There is so much genuine joy in that little boy.

Chris and I will regularly turn to each other and ask how such an awesome little boy came to be in our home. The answer is God sent the us the soul that He knew would be perfect for our family, but I still can't get over how joyful Nathan makes our home.

Adventures with a spoon

A quote to remember

This quote doesn't fit onto a pin or into a tweet. But it's one I want to remember. May the truths contained therein bless your life.

Almost three years ago a devastating fire gutted the interior of the beloved, historic tabernacle in Provo, Utah. Its loss was deemed a great tragedy by both the community and Church members. Many wondered, “Why did the Lord let this happen? Surely He could have prevented the fire or stopped its destruction.” 

Ten months later, during the October 2011 general conference, there was an audible gasp when President Thomas S. Monson announced that the nearly destroyed tabernacle was to become a holy temple—a house of the Lord! Suddenly we could see what the Lord had always known! He didn’t cause the fire, but He allowed the fire to strip away the interior. He saw the tabernacle as a magnificent temple—a permanent home for making sacred, eternal covenants. 

My dear sisters, the Lord allows us to be tried and tested, sometimes to our maximum capacity. We have seen the lives of loved ones—and maybe our own—figuratively burned to the ground and have wondered why a loving and caring Heavenly Father would allow such things to happen. But He does not leave us in the ashes; He stands with open arms, eagerly inviting us to come to Him. He is building our lives into magnificent temples where His Spirit can dwell eternally. 

In Doctrine and Covenants 58:3–4, the Lord tells us: 

“Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation.

-Linda S. Reeves - October 2013 General Relief Society Meeting 

To my daughter...

Dear Little One,

You are growing so much! I can tell because I feel huge already even though I'm only at 25 weeks. I'm already waddling, especially by the end of the day. You are a wiggler like your older brother was (and still is), although you might be giving him a run for his money based on the acrobatics you're already executing. Sometimes you move so much, my belly looks like the underside of a trampoline. The most sure-fire way to get you to stop wiggling is to turn to Daddy and say, "Feel her moving! She's going crazy!" That's when you stop right away. Occasionally I wouldn't mind it if you calmed down a bit, but mostly I love it. Every wiggle is a reminder that you are growing and developing and becoming. That knowledge fills me with peace.

You should know that your Daddy and I are so excited that you're a part of our family. You were welcome here even before we knew you were on the way. You should also know, that despite our best efforts, your older brother is totally clueless that you're coming. He probably will be until we bring you home from the hospital. But on the plus side, he'll also never remember not knowing you. He's a fantastic boy and I can't wait for you to meet him. I'm so happy knowing that you two will learn so much from each other. He's lucky to have you as a little sister, and you are lucky to have him for an older brother.

When I was a little girl, my momma (your grandma) would always tell me, "There's nothing better than being a mom!" And I believed her. She loved being our mom, and we loved being with her. I remember feeling special because I knew I would someday be a mom and could feel like that too. My brothers had to content themselves with being fathers, while I was going to get the best deal.

Now that I am a momma, I can say with Grandma, "There really is nothing better than being a mom!" It's by far the most wonderful job I've ever had. It doesn't bring me money or fame, instead it brings joy like nothing else ever has. Because you too are a girl, you are part of this heritage of motherhood. How happy it makes me to know that you will experience the joy of being a mother and a wife because you are a daughter of God. Not every daughter of God will be a wife and mother in this life, but it is part of our divine heritage to be mothers. What a joyful prospect that is!

Though I won't hold you in my arms for a few more months, I love you already. I'm nervous about being your mother because it's a big responsibility, and I don't want to mess it up, but I find peace when I remember that you are Heavenly Father's daughter too, and He will help me be your mother.

Dear Little Girl (DLG for short), I love you with all my heart. Keep on growing and before we know it, you'll be here!

All my love,
Momma

The little things

It's remarkable to me how God is mindful of big important things, but also the details of our lives. Like when you really need that Tide-to-Go pen because you have to run out the door in 5 minutes and there's a stain on your one clean shirt, God cares enough to answer your prayer for help in finding it. He is our Father, and He is perfectly aware of us and our needs.