Wednesday, April 13, 2016

What depression looks like right now.

I can feel it coming. It's this gradual build-up of negative emotions: frustration, tiredness, and sadness, mostly. They pile up within me and I start to notice I have less ability to roll with the punches of life. I'm impatient with my children, going from simple direction to loud demands in almost an instant when their compliance seems unlikely. I'm harder on myself. I have less willingness to do any of the numerous household tasks that pile up, and then am berating myself for not doing better. And other times, an apathy towards all commitments seeps in. Life seems so daunting. I just want to hide for awhile and not have to face things.

The build-up can't last though. Eventually the dam bursts. Tears flood and then I can pick up and keep going. But the flood doesn't really come at a time of my choosing. And the longer it builds, the more painful it is when the breakthrough finally does happen. I wish I could figure out how to let it out on my own timing. Then I'd just have a good cry once the kids were in bed. No one would get hurt in the downpour. But because I haven't found, or may not be able to find a release switch, pain and frustration and sorrow build until I want to grab the nearest person's face in my hands and cry out, "I am NOT okay!!"

My friends and family don't need to have that weight flung at them at its heaviest. And I don't want them to have to put up with my increasing anxiety, lack of connection, and impatience until the dam finally bursts.

I will continue to try and deal with this healthily. Tonight, I just need for someone else to see this burden. I'm not asking you to take it away. All I'm asking is for you to say:

I see you. I see your burden. And I love you anyways.


  1. I see you. I see your an amazing mom. I see you are one of the most self-aware people and I love that quality. I see you and I love you and even more for your growth.

  2. I wish I could see you in person! Hugs and chocolate are always better in person than virtual! I can only imagine how hard what you shared is to actually experience!! You are such a beautiful woman who I look up to in numerous ways...and not just because you are taller than me :) I will always love you! You are in thoughts and prayers!

  3. This makes me think of Elder Holland's talk at the end of GC. I sure do love you, Sweetie

  4. Sarah- While I haven't felt the exact feelings you are experiencing, because depression and anxiety come in different forms for everyone, I hope you know you are not alone! Being a mom is hard as nails and frankly I have met very few women who don't struggle with it. I admire your openness about it; you've given me courage to embrace my own struggles with depression and anxiety head on. While words don't take away the pain and frustration I just wanted you to know I appreciate your posting about it. Sure love you sweet sister! ❤️ -Milly Smith