Lessons from today's anxiety

This afternoon I was floundering in a sea anxiety. I've had depression/anxiety for long enough now that I'm a lot better at identifying when I'm feeling actual anxiety or sadness that needs to be taken care of in a normal way, and when it's emotion brought on by whatever hormonal/chemical/psychological imbalance that is ppd. This afternoon's episode was definitely the second type. One warning sign for me is I'll find myself irrationally impatient with my kids. Entirely unable to roll with their toddler quirks. It's a weakness I have confidence can be overcome, but let's be honest, I'm not there yet. Thankfully Chris was around to help take some of the parenting pressure off of me. His help enabled me to have the mental faculties to really learn from today's anxiety episode.

I was hoping, when I realized what was happening, that the rush of irrational anxiety was brought on because baby was coming asap. That maybe my body was sending out all kinds of "get ready for labor" hormones and that's why I felt so terrible. Baby hasn't come yet, nor do we seem to be immediately heading in that direction, so I'll have to wait and see if that hypothesis will hold true.

But regardless, my emotions peaked, and for about 20 minutes or so, I just sat and felt the feelings. Some of the time I held on to the couch, turned so I could hug the back cushion for support. I felt like I was shaking, though I'm not sure it would have been noticeable to someone else. And I felt worry, distress, frustration, inadeqacy, weariness, uncertainty, all banging around in me. None of those feelings had a clear focus, like, "I'm worried about x, y and z" which is another clear sign for me that it's a hormonal episode, not a rational one. It was just a general cacophony of those emotions nobody enjoys feeling. A blech-y mess of feels that I'd probably never choose if the choice were mine.

And almost imperceptibly, the episode faded out. I helped my children again, changed a stinky diaper, even made dinner for the family. And I felt like me again. Still tired, still very pregant, but somehow, still moving forward and meeting the challenges of the evening.

The ability to survive such episodes without seeking to block them out, without trying to numb the discomfort, comes only through the enabling power of the atonement of Jesus Christ. The power to keep moving forward afterwards and do what has to be done in daily life is the enabling power of the atonement of Jesus Christ. The incresed acceptance and peace that I feel about the future comes because of the enabling power of the atonement of Jesus Christ.

This is a gift that He extends to everyone. In Isaiah, the Lord asks, "is my hand shortened at all that it cannot redeem, or have I no power to deliver?" And the answer, "Behold, at my rebuke I dry up the sea, I make their rivers a wilderness and their fish to stink because the waters are dried up, and they die because of thirst. I clothe the heavens with blackness, and I make sackcloth their covering." (Is. 50: 2-3)

Trust in that hand. It is not shortened. Trust in that power. It is not diminished. If ppd has taught me anything, it's taught me to trust more in that hand and power. I invite you to join me on that journey. Come, and we'll keep moving towards more perfect trust and faith and hope and together.

Eye-opening

Depression, anxiety, feeling the blues. It's been a struggle for about a year now. I have so much support from those around me. Friends, family, loved ones, my Heavenly Father. I'm on a road to recovery, I just can't let myself dwell on how long or short that road will be.

This has been such an eye-opening experience for me. I feel an understanding for things that I've never understood. I feel connections for people going through things that I've never felt connected to before. I think if there's anything God wanted me to learn through this experience it would be empathy. It's an increased love and understanding for my fellow brothers and sisters who are also inhabiting this world.

A little example of increased understanding. In high school, I learned that some of my peers "self-harmed". I was totally confused. I thought, "umm... why would you cut yourself? That, like, hurts, so why would anyone do that?" It made absolutely no sense to me. Along comes depression, and with it, lots of unwanted feelings and struggles. I couldn't control those feelings and they were unpleasant to experience. What I did have control over was what I did about those feelings. Suddenly, I could understand why someone would want to replace emotional and mental pain with physical pain. It's not what I chose to do about my feelings, but depression has helped me see so much clearly why people might choose destructive behaviors themselves.

I can choose what to do with the unpleasant emotions that I face, and I choose to feel them and to work through them (or sometimes to just work alongside them). I can't erase them, but I can prevent them from controlling me, and I can choose to not stifle them out with destructive behavior.

I'm still in the middle of this muddle, so I can't really summarize all that this experience has taught and will teach me. But I'm grateful for the eye-opening-ness of it all. I'm so grateful that I knew about Lehi's dream in the Book of Mormon and so I knew what I should do when the mists of darkness came. I'm still in those mists, but I'm holding on, and I'm not letting go, no matter how long it takes.

Submitting to what is inflicted upon us

Mosiah 3:19

"For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father."

When I first became acquainted with this verse as a teenager, I thought that "inflict" seemed like such a painful word. What father would inflict things upon his child?

But as I've gotten older, I've realized that the Lord inflicts things upon us because he knows they will help us grow in the right ways.  Scoliosis and a back brace was inflicted upon me as a teenager. Not the funnest thing I've ever had to cope with, but it shaped me in profound and important ways.

Since then, other hard and sometimes painful things have been inflicted upon me. Things that were completely not my fault. Things that were unfair. Things that caused heartache, and tears, and soul searching.

Am I willing to submit to such things?

Are you?

My answer to the first question, is a firm, "yes". It may be hard, I may be brought to my knees with sorrow and tears or simply from a burning desire to understand, "what am I supposed to be learning from this?" But I say, Yes. I am willing to submit.

I have faith in Jesus Christ. I believe that he is “an high priest of good things to come.” I believe that all of the afflictions I experience will be for my good. That they will help me become a saint through the atonement of Christ.

As for the second question, only you can answer that. But I believe that there is peace and joy found in this journey of submission.

Insomnia

I've turned into a bit of an insomniac. Various cousins may find that kind of funny because I used to be notoriously good at dosing off (sometimes mid-sentence) in the middle of midnight giggling conversations at cousin sleepovers.

I think it's a common symptom of PPD though, so I'm not too surprised. And I was a bit of an insomniac when I was pregnant too.

My dad has struggled with sleep for years and I'd never understood it well. I had always thought, "If he just lays down and holds still long enough, won't he fall asleep?" Could it be that hard? Well, now I think I understand a little better.

I'll lay in bed, and my mind is in high gear thinking about my day, about tomorrow, about random moments from my childhood, about a book I'm reading, or just about anything. And it doesn't calm down. It used to calm down, and I'd fall asleep. But for a while now, I can lay there for what seems like forever until I get bored and go do something besides just laying there.

Most often I'll read a book. Last night it was a new book called "Looking for God in Harry Potter". Quite a fun read. If I start reading, after a while, I'll find I can't keep my eyes open anymore, and then I'll go lay down in bed and conk out pretty fast.

In other news, Nathaniel learned a new trick the other day. He took his stuffed elephant, started chewing on the ear and then let go with his hands so it was just hanging from his mouth by its ear. Pretty much, I think that this baby is the cutest one that EVER lived (you're under no obligation to agree with me, but I think I'm right, because I'm his mom :).

Oh, and did I mention I have the coolest husband, too? This year he's an assistant conductor in BYU Singers... as an undergrad! Normally they only have the graduate students assist, but my handsome man landed the job because he's just. that. good.

Life is full of beauty

My two favorite boys playing at the splash pad.

PPD and Me

Well, what started out as intense baby blues blossomed into complete Postpartum Depression (PPD) about a month ago. I think that overall I've been doing okay, but I thought it would be helpful for myself (and maybe others) to blog about what PPD has been like for me.

I love how the therapist described it. She explained that having depression is like a sunburn. You know how your skin is really sensitive when you have a sunburn? You're really sensitive to touch, and even the slightest touch can be very painful. Well, when you have depression you're extra sensitive to thoughts. And you have to wade through your thoughts carefully because you can quickly go from emotionally normal to emotionally hurting in a trice. Just like you have to move gingerly when you have a sunburn, or you're going to be in pain.

It's interesting to me that this analogy got rid of a lot of unhealthy guilt. Before I realized that what I had was depression, I only knew that I was getting stressed out over really little, stupid things. Then I would mentally berate myself for letting such little things bug me. And I'd wonder what I was doing wrong that I was such a basket case. Was I reading my scriptures enough? (I could certainly be reading more) Was I falling short in my relationship with God? (Well, I know my relationship and devotion to Him is far from perfect, so probably I was falling short) And thus I would become even more discouraged and berate myself more for being such a nincompoop.

Can you see the vicious cycle?

Once I realized that I had PPD, I still battled with ideas that it was my fault that I had PPD. (If I had only acted differently in this or that situation a year ago or a couple years ago, would I have been as susceptible to depression?) Again, not a healthy line of thinking.

But knowing that what I was facing was regardless being exacerbated by post-pregnancy hormones led me to go see a doctor. She recommended both medication and counseling. So far, I've just done the counseling, (the medication just didn't feel like the right thing for me to do in my situation, but I'm open to the possibility that that might change) and that's where I got this analogy of depression being like a sunburn.

The way I look at it is that my sensitivity to thoughts (which can quickly lead to anxiety and stress and... well.. depression) are just the pregnancy hormones talking, and I don't need to blame myself for those hormones being out of whack. It's not my fault that those are out of whack. What I can control is what I do when I start noticing self-defeating thoughts creep into my brain. When those thoughts start poking their way in, I can either encourage them, or turn away from them.

There are various ways that I've found to turn away from those thoughts. Sometimes I just consciously think, "No, that thought isn't true. That's just the depression talking." Sometimes, I change what I'm doing and go do something that I find enjoyable. It always seems to help to go outside, and it also helps to stay busy.

I'd say that most of my days are good ones. There are certainly fewer bad days than good ones. More often I find that I'll just have bad morning, or a bad hour or two and the rest is okay or even good.

Thankfully, Chris has been amazingly supportive in all of this. He's really good at helping me do things when I'm feeling down. And he's also really good at taking care of lots of the mundane things that need doing (like cleaning the apartment, doing laundry, changing diapers and the like).

Also, it's a big help that Nathan is such an easy baby. He's a very mellow, very sweet kid. And his smile or laugh always lifts my spirits.

This challenge of postpartum depression is ongoing, but I'm hanging on and learning lessons through it all. Lessons that I probably wouldn't have learned without it. I feel that the Lord is mindful of me. This is a struggle that He sent my way because I needed to grow more, not because I sinned or made a mistake.

To any of you who have already gone through this, who are going through it now, or may yet go through it in the future, I say, "God bless you." It is difficult to experience, but I have confidence that it will end and that the Lord will turn our ashes into beauty.

Until then, keep me in your prayers, would you?

P.S. If any of you have your own stories to share I'd love to read about them in the comments. :)