I used to have a brain

I used to have a brain. Well, to be perfectly honest, I still DO have one, it's just not functioning the same way it used to.

I told a friend recently about this analogy I've come with about my mind. It goes like this:

Let's say I was an athlete, a soccer player perhaps, and really in shape and working out all the time at soccer practice. Then one day I injure myself. Maybe blow out my knee during a game. Now I can't even do many of the things people just normally do because my knee just hurts too bad, let alone do many of the things I did as a great athlete. My knee needs rest, physical therapy, maybe some pain meds, all in a long slow effort at recovery.  

PPD is like this for me. Except instead of my knee, it's like my mind is damaged. Things I used to be able to do, mental/emotional stamina I used to have is gone. I try to do the things I used to do, and so quickly, I'm in pain. But not physical pain, emotional pain that manifests itself as frustration, irritability, discouragement, anxiety, sadness, overwhelming-ness, etc.

There's so much beauty in the world around me. Smiling, chubby-cheeked baby, giggling toddlers, snuggling children, laughing with my best friend. And sometimes it bowls me over with how wonderful life is.

And yet at the same time, I'm trekking through a mist of darkness. It's like my mind is drudging through a murky bog just to get up, move, do the things that need doing, and have the stamina to do it.

You know the part in The Two Towers when Frodo says to Sam: You and I, Sam, are still stuck in the worst places of the story, and it is all too likely that some will say at this point: "Shut the book now, dad; we don't want to read any more."

I'm in that part of my story. And like Frodo and Sam, I'm going to keep walking. I sometimes want to stop reading the book, too. But I can't. I have to keep walking.

And deep down, I believe the white shores are calling. That's where I'm headed in the end.

photo cred

Lessons from today's anxiety

This afternoon I was floundering in a sea anxiety. I've had depression/anxiety for long enough now that I'm a lot better at identifying when I'm feeling actual anxiety or sadness that needs to be taken care of in a normal way, and when it's emotion brought on by whatever hormonal/chemical/psychological imbalance that is ppd. This afternoon's episode was definitely the second type. One warning sign for me is I'll find myself irrationally impatient with my kids. Entirely unable to roll with their toddler quirks. It's a weakness I have confidence can be overcome, but let's be honest, I'm not there yet. Thankfully Chris was around to help take some of the parenting pressure off of me. His help enabled me to have the mental faculties to really learn from today's anxiety episode.

I was hoping, when I realized what was happening, that the rush of irrational anxiety was brought on because baby was coming asap. That maybe my body was sending out all kinds of "get ready for labor" hormones and that's why I felt so terrible. Baby hasn't come yet, nor do we seem to be immediately heading in that direction, so I'll have to wait and see if that hypothesis will hold true.

But regardless, my emotions peaked, and for about 20 minutes or so, I just sat and felt the feelings. Some of the time I held on to the couch, turned so I could hug the back cushion for support. I felt like I was shaking, though I'm not sure it would have been noticeable to someone else. And I felt worry, distress, frustration, inadeqacy, weariness, uncertainty, all banging around in me. None of those feelings had a clear focus, like, "I'm worried about x, y and z" which is another clear sign for me that it's a hormonal episode, not a rational one. It was just a general cacophony of those emotions nobody enjoys feeling. A blech-y mess of feels that I'd probably never choose if the choice were mine.

And almost imperceptibly, the episode faded out. I helped my children again, changed a stinky diaper, even made dinner for the family. And I felt like me again. Still tired, still very pregant, but somehow, still moving forward and meeting the challenges of the evening.

The ability to survive such episodes without seeking to block them out, without trying to numb the discomfort, comes only through the enabling power of the atonement of Jesus Christ. The power to keep moving forward afterwards and do what has to be done in daily life is the enabling power of the atonement of Jesus Christ. The incresed acceptance and peace that I feel about the future comes because of the enabling power of the atonement of Jesus Christ.

This is a gift that He extends to everyone. In Isaiah, the Lord asks, "is my hand shortened at all that it cannot redeem, or have I no power to deliver?" And the answer, "Behold, at my rebuke I dry up the sea, I make their rivers a wilderness and their fish to stink because the waters are dried up, and they die because of thirst. I clothe the heavens with blackness, and I make sackcloth their covering." (Is. 50: 2-3)

Trust in that hand. It is not shortened. Trust in that power. It is not diminished. If ppd has taught me anything, it's taught me to trust more in that hand and power. I invite you to join me on that journey. Come, and we'll keep moving towards more perfect trust and faith and hope and together.

Focus on what you can do

In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, we are asked to serve and extended specific callings from our leaders. In October three new apostles were called by the prophet, Thomas S. Monson, to serve as special witnesses of Christ. Over the last couple months I have enjoyed repeatedly returning to listen to their messages. Each expressed in word and through their countenance a feeling of humility (almost a degree of shock in some cases). And then each bore powerful witnesses of Jesus Christ that have been sent to all the world. 

Elder Stevenson described his call and then shared this impression he received as he agonized over his inadequacies: "focus not on what I can’t do but rather on what I can do."

"focus not on what I can’t do but rather on what I can do."

When we receive a new call (and sometimes when we've had a calling for a while), it's easy to run over and over in our minds the things we can't do. We feel unqualified because we lack certain abilities. Our calling may take a lot of time and we miss the things we used to do during that time. Maybe we miss the close association we had with other members in our previous calling. Maybe we miss attending a meeting that we no longer go to. 

I've felt all of these things at one time or other. Tonight, as I listened again to Elder Stevenson's counsel, I feel a renewed desire to change my focus. Focus on what I can do. I think that's the way to greater happiness and faith.

Want to join me? 

As a Primary Music Leader:

• I can sing my favorite Primary songs
• I can teach small children and older children (and even adults too, though sometimes they don't realize they're being included in the lesson ;)
• I can see bright smiles on young faces as we sing and move and joyfully discuss gospel principles
• I can help set a tone that will invite the Holy Ghost to Primary
• I can get to know many families in our ward through their children
• I can be all of the children's teacher
• I can hear them as they call out "Hi! Sis. Machado!" each Sunday
• I can encourage other adults as they teach children
• I can seek the Holy Ghost to be my constant companion
• I can sing songs with the children that they will remember for the rest of their lives
• I can hone my teaching skills
• I can bear witness of Jesus Christ
• I can bear witness of Heavenly Father's love for us
• I can feel the Holy Ghost when we sing eternal truths (which comes so readily to the call of these small-bodied, spiritual giants)

Impenetrable Fortress of Iron

I read this blog post and looked closer at the scripture she describes. It's in Jeremiah, chapter 1, verse 18:

"...I have made thee this day a defenced city, and an iron pillar, and brasen walls against the whole land..."

I had to look up "defenced". It turns out it's the past participle of the verb "defence." Not the noun, mind you, the verb. "To defence" means to fortify, to furnish with defenses. So if I understand correctly, God is telling Jeremiah that He has made him into the equivalent of an impenetrable (brasen) fortress (defenced city) complete with iron fortifications. Pretty strong stuff.

Then in the next verse:

"And they shall fight against thee; but they shall not prevail against thee; for I am with thee, saith the LORD, to deliver thee."

I have to remind myself that God has also covenanted with me. I covenanted to always remember Him and keep His commandments when I was baptized, and I renew that covenant by partaking of the sacramental bread and water each Sunday at church. God promised me that I would always have His Spirit to be with me. In essence, that He would be with me.

I can't give in to my weaknesses and failings. I've been made into sterner stuff: a walled fortress that cannot be penetrated.

Bind up

Do you ever see the turmoil in another's soul and yearn to make it all better? I see fellow women, sisters, brothers, and men, friends and family, hurting and aching. Perceived and real injustices. Tragic health challenges. Selfishness. Thoughtlessness. Heartache.

When my little nine-month-old is sad, it's relatively easy for me to help make it better. She usually needs a hug and attention. Sometimes she just needs to be held or fed. Kisses and smooches go a long way to helping her feel at peace again.

With older humans, it seems not so simple.

I want to bind up the broken hearted. I want to proclaim liberty to the captive. I want to give praise for heaviness, beauty for ashes.

But I in my limited mortal mind haven't the foggiest idea of what to do.

Thankfully and joyfully, I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe that He suffered and died that He might know perfectly how to do all of those things: bind up, proclaim, and give. And because I believe those things, I also believe that He expects me to do what I can to aid Him in this work. And like the prophet Nephi, "I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them."

I am but a fallen mortal, who can do nothing of myself, but I wish to try. Do you want to try with me?

Eva's first Thanksgiving - Momma's first.... (pictures and a long story)

Yesterday was Eva's first Thanksgiving. She slept lots. See?

Daddy napping, too.

Me 'n the kids.

Eva met her Aunt Sydney for the first time yesterday. It was love at first sight (for both of them):

She's been smiling lots when she's awake. Here Eva's smiling at Grandpa:

We've been having a beautiful time here. And it was a lovely Thanksgiving.

Yesterday was also my first time ever at the ER (Yayy!!... or not really so yay ;). About 10:45-ish it started really hurting right below my rib cage. At first it was just uncomfortable, but in a matter of minutes it was really bad. I mean, right up there with being in labor kind of painful. I have never been in that much constant pain.

So Chris and Steve gave me a blessing and then Chris drove me to the ER just off of Eagle road. He sped to get me there, (even more than he sped to get me to the hospital when I was in labor with Eva or Nathan) and we checked in at the desk. I was trying not to hyperventilate but it was really hard to breathe normally with that pain and through the tears. After what seemed like forever (but was probably only a few minutes), we were taken back to a room and a nurse took my vitals, asked a few questions and said the doctor would be in soon (by the way, when the nurse asked me to rate my pain, I said nine).

A few minutes after the nurse left, the pain started to subside. Quite quickly actually. At that point I was thinking "well... I'm really glad that I'm not in hardly any pain now, but I'll feel really foolish if we came here and all it was was that the turkey and mashed potatoes didn't agree with me." Still, the doctor came in and decided we should do some blood work, a urine sample, and an ultrasound.

We did all three of those, and during the ultra sound, the technician seemed to identify the source of the problem, but since she's not the doctor, she didn't tell me what it was. She just asked if it hurt when she pushed a little on a specific organ and when I said yes, she nodded as if she knew what was going on.

After waiting around a while longer, the doctor came in and told me that I had gall stones in my gall bladder. She said her recommendation was that I be admitted to the hospital and they'd do surgery to remove my gall bladder some time during the day (it was probably about 1 am at that point). Thankfully, my mom had her gall bladder out a few years ago, so I was already a little bit familiar with the procedure.

Eventually we got moved upstairs to the surgical ward, I had awesome nurses who took such good care of me. And I even got to try out one of those hospital grade breastfeeding pumps. Whoa. That guy works fast. That's all I'm saying.

Chris stayed there the rest of the night and we both got a few hours sleep. At about 9:00 the next morning, the surgeon came to my room to explain the procedure and answer any questions. He said if all went well, I'd be able to go home sometime after lunch.

They wheeled me down to pre-op at a little after 10:00. The anesthesiologist came and explained a bit about the meds they'd be giving me and side effects and such. He was probably my favorite doctor there. We ended up chatting (he and Chris and I) about our kids and marriage and stuff for 5-10 minutes. It was really fun.

Soon after that, they gave me my meds, and I don't even remember falling asleep. Next thing I knew, I was waking up in the recovery room and was really drowsy (and a bit dizzy). They wheeled me to where I could finish recovering for a little bit (just enough to be able to go to the bathroom and walk a little without aid) and Chris joined me there. We left the hospital at about 1:30 pm, and the rest of today I've just been taking it easy at Chris's parents' house.

This adventure totally wasn't in my plans for the weekend, but in spite of that, here are a few of the things I'm grateful about in this experience:

• Chris and Steve were able to give me a blessing, and God's timing meant that it was after we went to the ER that the pain went away. If God had timed the pain to go away right after they gave me a blessing, we probably wouldn't have gone to the hospital, and my disfunctional gall bladder would probably still be in me.
• We were here at Kim and Steve's so I didn't have to worry about Nathaniel and Eva being well taken care of. I knew they'd be safe, happy and loved with Grandma and Grandpa (and Aunt Izzy, too!)
• I'm still on Medicaid. If this had happened a few weeks from now, I wouldn't be, and it would have been a very expensive trip to Boise!
• I didn't have a gall bladder attack until after I ate turkey and mashed potatoes and rolls and pie. And I didn't throw up. That might have ruined Thanksgiving food for me. 
• My parents are just a phone call away and offered to let me and the kiddos stay with them next week once Chris has to start school again on Monday.
• So many people were praying for me. I feel incredibly loved. Even some people I hardly know. (like Selby!) Thank you for thinking of me and caring!
• The staff and doctors at St. Luke's were phenomenal. Everyone was so competent in their duties, and even more, they were friendly and talkative and supportive. I felt treated like a real person, and it seemed like everyone truly cared about me getting better.

When you add all those things together, I'd say that's evidence of a God who cares about me, and loves me more than I can know. Wouldn't you?

Happy Thanksgiving!

A bit bowled over by tender mercies

So it's a little psycho right now at the Machado household. Here's the bulleted list explanation:

• Chris is student teaching in Spanish Fork (with the awesome Shea Bradshaw)
• Chris is assisting in BYU Men's Chorus this year (and they have auditions/callbacks this week)
• Chris is the assistant conductor in Cantorum, an early music choir that got started in the Provo/Orem area a couple years ago
• Chris is teaching several voice students at the Art City Music Academy
• Sarah is pregnant (due October 26th)
• Sarah is taking care of a 17-month-old boy
• Sarah is training two new employees at Art City Music requiring about 16 hours a week (this is in preparation for her to leave when the baby comes)
• We only have one car
• We are poor college students
• Both Chris and Sarah have two callings at church and are home/visiting teachers
• etc...

It's been a week of ups and downs for me. That's for sure. The depression makes things seem bleaker, and it also combines with pregnancy to make simple things a lot more stressful. But holy. cow. I have been shocked at all the love and support friends and family have extended to us. As an example, let me tell you a story from this morning...

Chris went off to school at about 7:00, and I had a 32-week checkup with the doctor at 9:20. We've been asking everyone and their dog for help with babysitting and rides, so I decided that I'd walk the 11 blocks to the doctor's office and push Nathaniel in the stroller. Things went great until I actually took a look at the stroller. Two flat tires. hmmm.... well I knew we had a bike pump... even though I'd never used it. So I tried to pump up the tires myself.

No luck. Part of me thought, "how bad could it be to push the stroller on flat tires?" and decided to start walking. After about half a block, I realized it was not going to work. I started praying that somehow God would help us get to the doctor's office and that things would work out. 

After retrieving our bike pump from the apartment, I had the thought to see if my friend Beverly's car was in her driveway (she lives just around the corner from us). It was there. Not really sure what to ask for, but knowing that I needed help, I went and knocked on her door. She answered and I just asked, "Are you any good with a bike pump?" and explained about my flat tires. Beverly said that she wasn't, but her boys or her brother (who happened to be there) might be able to help. Her brother got down on the ground and pumped up those tires beautifully, and meanwhile, Beverly told me that if we were running late, she could give us a ride over to the doctor's office, and we could just put our stroller in her trunk.

I was sooo grateful. Beverly and I have been good friends since we first moved into the ward, and every possible chance she has to help, I have seen her jump in with a smile on her face to help out someone in need. She's one of my heroes to be sure.

So, tires pumped, we hopped into Beverly's car and ended up being a little early for my appointment thanks to the time we saved driving instead of walking.

I don't know how to express my gratitude to her and my Heavenly Father for their help. It was so much more than just getting us out of a physical predicament. It saved me from the emotional and mental turmoil I was swimming through (thanks to my depressed and pregnant body).

And so many other people have helped us too. Here's a list of some of the blessings:

• Babysitting for several hours from former roommates, friends and ward members
• Rides for me and Nathaniel to and from work and other places
• Co-workers who are fun to be with and lift my spirits
• A bag full of fresh fruit hanging from our door when we got home last night
• Boxes of Chex cereal for $1.49 at Macey's and a husband who went and got me 12 boxes
• A check from a dear Grandma to help us make ends meet
• Encouraging words from friends and family
• A mother who is coming to stay with us for a few days next week to help out
• A visit from Mom, Shanna, Abbie, and Grandma on Labor Day with delicious food provided
• Hugs from my little boy when I've been sad
• Help from my little boy when chores need to be done (he helped empty the whole dishwasher yesterday. He'd grab a dish. Hold it out to me. Say "uh?" and I'd put it away)
• Listening ears and encouragement from Christopher when I'm freaking out
• etc...

Like I said, I don't know how to express my gratitude. I'm just bowled over by the love. Thanks guys. You all are definitely helping to lift up the hands that hang down. May God bless each and every one of you.

The little things

It's remarkable to me how God is mindful of big important things, but also the details of our lives. Like when you really need that Tide-to-Go pen because you have to run out the door in 5 minutes and there's a stain on your one clean shirt, God cares enough to answer your prayer for help in finding it. He is our Father, and He is perfectly aware of us and our needs. 

Not fearing the future, but enjoying the journey.

In 5th grade, my teachers told me things like, "When you're in middle school next year, your teacher will just throw your homework away if you forget to put your name on it," or, "Your teachers in middle school won't ever accept late work." Man... I panicked. I cried to my mom whimpering that I was never going to make it through middle school because what if I genuinely forgot to put my name on things or forgot to finish my homework and needed to turn it in late? How could those teachers be so unfeeling?

Well, I got to 6th grade. You know what? My teachers held up papers with no name saying "someone come claim this!" or allowed us to turn in late work with usually just a small amount of points taken off.  Oh... Well, I could deal with that. I guess those 5th grade teachers had it wrong.

Then came 8th grade. My teachers started in on us again. "High school teachers aren't going to hold your hands like we do in middle school. They're just going to give you zeros on late assignments, and won't ask you about them." This time I was a little more skeptical. I'd wait and see what the teachers actually did in high school before I started to panic.

Again, I found out that those warnings were pretty much unfounded. My high school teachers new that we were young adolescents who make mistakes and so they helped us out. They weren't heartless. And I had no reason to fear high school. High school was a lot of fun and I made a lot of friends and grew in lots of ways.

So when in my senior year, the teachers began starting sentences with "You know, once you get to college..." I was having none of it. I didn't doubt that college would be challenging, but I wasn't going to heed the doomsday warnings about how heartless my professors were going to be once I got there.

There certainly was a lot less hand holding in college. Let's face it, a professor who teaches 800 students every semester hardly has time to go searching after one lost sheep, but if I was struggling I could go talk to the professor and they were always willing to help when they saw I was making an honest effort.

And on top of that, college was really fun. I made incredible friends. Laughed, played, worked, cried, grew, struggled, and enjoyed those 5 years. I met my husband in college. I sang in choirs with world-renowned artists. I learned about who I was there. It was just an incredible journey. And one that was over rather quickly (despite the extra year I added in there).

So now... I'm a parent. And I see the same cycle cropping up. Well meaning people warned us before the baby was born, "Get your sleep now because after they're born... forget it." Now that he's here people sometimes tell me, "Well at that age they're easy, wait till they're crawling" or, "wait till they start throwing temper tantrums," or, "just wait until they become teenagers."

And you know what? I'm not having it.

This baby came, and sure, we have less sleep, but we also have this little guy who makes us giggle every day and makes our hearts overflow with happiness when he smiles at us. He's starting to roll over and it's the coolest thing ever to see him figure it out. I love the way he sucks his thumb with his fingers all up in his eyes because he hasn't learned how to curl them down and stick his thumb out at the same time. I love it when he "talks" to me and tells me what he's thinking (even though can't understand it) and I love that he grins from ear to ear when I sing him a song.

He's two and-a-half months old and already he's stopped doing some things he used to do. I loved the way he used to hold perfectly still and stare at me when I sang to him, or the way he would punch himself in the face and then look around like "Hey! Who just hit me?"

He doesn't do those things anymore. They were these beautiful moments and I loved experiencing them. Even though they came right along side diaper blowouts, sleepless nights, crying marathons, and feelings that I had no idea what I was doing. The hard things didn't cancel out the wondrous ones that were happening at the same time.

I don't want to start dreading the problems that this baby will have in the future because then I'll start missing the beautiful things he's doing in the now. It's already going by so fast. He's only going to be this little for so long and I've got to love it while it's here or I'll just have regrets when it's gone.

And then when he becomes a toddler and makes huge messes or throws tantrums or both, I don't want to be worrying about the problems he'll face in school or as a teenager. I'd much rather be enjoying the way he'll say things in funny ways, or the way we'll cuddle on the couch and read stories, or loving his giggle whenever his daddy tackles him. I want to be loving those things even though they come right alongside the tantrums and the tears and the messes.

Because really, when you have a kid this adorable, why would I chose to do anything else?

Due date... no sign of baby yet.

The title of this post basically sums up what's been happening with baby. Today is baby's due date and it looks like he's just content to stay cozy and warm inside of momma for a while longer. He's still super high, and still moving around tons. I've been trying different methods that are supposed to either help him turn sunny-side down, or to help him drop (as long as the methods aren't too weird). Don't know if any of them will actually do anything, but I think it helps me psychologically to feel like I'm doing something. Physically I still feel quite excellent. Mentally and emotionally?... I'm running out of steam. Come soon baby!

Some tender mercies

One of my favorite general conference talks (I have like 80), is this one on the tender mercies of the Lord by Elder David A. Bednar.

Here are some tender mercies from my recent past.

• On a week when the children in church were having a really hard time focusing and being reverent, one of the 4-year-olds got up and said a prayer asking Heavenly Father to help them be reverent. I was reminded of the love God has for little children, and of my need to pray with all my heart, just like this little girl had done.
• A few weeks ago, I was having mildly painful heartburn and couldn't sleep. I was feeling discouraged that night (can't remember why... probably just pregnancy hormones) and got up and checked my e-mail. I no sooner opened my computer when my brother sent me a chat message. We had a lovely conversation about lots of things, and it was exactly the thing I needed to lift my spirits.
• Today, I was feeling discouraged again, (what can I say, I'm an emotional pregnant woman ;) and needed a pick-me-up. Who should call me but my dad? He was just calling to ask a question about something and our conversation wasn't long, but boy, it was such sweet evidence that I am known of the Lord. Heavenly Father knew I needed a little extra love and so in his miraculous way, my father somehow called me right when I needed it.

I know that you too are known of the Lord. He knows you and he knows your needs. He loves you and wants to bless you. Why? because you are his child. Pay attention, and you too may see some tender mercies that you dearly need.

Israel, Israel, God is Calling

I had the opportunity the other day to apply the counsel in this quote. I came across a situation where I could have easily justified "self-righteous" action, and ended up checking my religion at the door, but I decided not to. You know, it felt really good. I had the Spirit with me, and felt an assurance that I had acted well. That kind of feeling is irreplaceable. And I was so grateful for a friend who thanked me afterward for my example, and told me that it had helped them make the right decision too.

That Elder Holland: he sure knows what he's talking about.

Thoughts for the Sisters...

Women,

If you hear the world telling you that as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, you are second class, or oppressed or any thing along those lines, don't you believe it. The Adversary would love nothing more than to drive the holy daughters of God away from truth and away from their divine destiny.

The Holy Ghost teaches of things as they really are, and if you are ever struggling with understanding your place in Christ's church, or the role of women in his church, ask God. I testify that God loves his daughters. Each and every one. You are cherished and beloved, and He wants the very best for you.

Also, here's one of my favorite quotes about doubts. It certainly applies to this subject:

• "If you should have doubting thoughts, remember the counsel given by President Stephen L. Richards, a former counselor in the First Presidency, who declared: “Just say to those skeptical, disturbing, rebellious thoughts, ‘I propose to stay with my faith, with the faith of my people. I know that happiness and contentment are there and I forbid you, agnostic, doubting thoughts, to destroy the house of my faith. I acknowledge that I do not understand the processes of creation, but I accept the fact of it. I grant that I cannot explain the miracles of the Bible, and I do not attempt to do so, but I accept God’s word. I wasn’t with Joseph, but I believe him. My faith did not come to me through science and I will not permit science to destroy it.’”

Much love to you all.

Sincerely,

Sarah

On locking my keys in the car...

Today I locked my keys in the car. At the gas station. Right in front of the pump. Great.

Well, blessing of all blessings, I had my phone in my pocket. Thank heavens for a brother who lives right next to Chris's work who could run over and grab Chris's keys from him when I asked. Thank heavens that Chris had a free moment so that he could run outside to give his keys to Stephen. Thank heavens for Stephen's sister-in-law who had a car and was available to drive him over to the gas station to deliver the keys. Thank heavens to the sweet woman who offered to give me a ride somewhere if I needed it (couldn't leave the car unattended at the pump, but such a thoughtful thing to offer). Thank heavens for the kindly older gentleman who tried to see if there was a way to roll the windows down from the outside (didn't work, but what a thoughtful thing to try). Thank heavens for the gas station attendant who recommended calling the police to have them unlock it (turned out it was faster to have Stephen bring the keys). Thank heavens for the visiting teacher who was willing to drive all the way over to where Stephen lives in case his sister-in-law wasn't available (she was available, but how nice to know that I can count on her in a pinch). Thank heavens for the two different women who smiled and sweetly told me stories of when they'd locked their keys in the car and told me not to worry because things like this just happen.  And yes, thank heavens for the thoughtful woman who sympathetically smiled and mouthed, "Good luck," as she drove off.

Who knew that locking my keys in the car at the gas station would brighten my faith in the goodness of humanity? Thank you, everyone. Thanks for going out of your way to help me today. I feel truly blessed.

Growth and Gratitude

written a couple weeks ago:
Growth can be painful. It is so good, but it can be painful. Especially when you are trying to overcome challenges of your own making. Student teaching is causing me to grow in rather painful ways. I am being smelted. I believe that somewhere inside me is a pure noble teacher, but I've got all this carbon and sulfur that needs to be roasted out. Trouble is, I thought that I'd get roasted once, and then all the impurities would be gone. No, not everything was burned out the first time.  I require multiple treatments. Perhaps one day I'll be all de-impurified.

written today:
I'm almost done with student teaching. I have one week left. I'm so glad I've had this experience. It has been really hard, but I think I'm better for it. I don't understand all the reasons why it's been so difficult. I think I'll need more distance and then I'll be able to look back and see more purpose in the challenges. But I am very grateful for it all.

The thing I'll miss the most is being with the kids. I never realized just how much I would grow to love these kids. So often I hear teachers and others only talking about how challenging middle schoolers are. Why didn't anyone tell me how loving they are? Or how eager they are to please? Or how excited they get when your husband comes to visit and hand after hand shoots up in the air asking him about his favorite teams and colors, and how we met, and is he on Team Peeta or Team Gale, and on and on and on. No one told me that on days when I thought I was just the most boring teacher alive, that one of the kids would say, while running out the door, "Thanks for being the best teacher ever!" Or on the days when the kids were rowdy and nothing I did seemed to calm them down, they would come up to me after class and say, "Mrs. Machado, I'm sorry we were so rough on you today."

I certainly will miss Cathy Jolley. She has been the best cooperating teacher a girl could ever ask for. Sometime I'll have to devote a post to her and all she's done for me. But for today, I'm just so grateful for the kids. The kids who love to see you and hear your stories and come to you when they have questions; them I will miss the most. Those kids will likely have lots of student teachers in the coming years who are better at teaching than I am, but they'll be hard pressed to find one who loves them more than I do.

"Tempernacle"

I want to be like the Provo Tabernacle (now being affectionately called the Provo "Tempernacle").

Really, that building lived a good long life. It was over a hundred years old when it died. And boy had it lived a good life. I've only been a Provo-ite for a few years, but even I had fond memories of choir concerts, stake conference, and friends recitals that all took place there. More permanent residents of the area recall graduation ceremonies, funerals, numerous stake conferences, etc. etc. etc. Needless to say, that building had worked valiantly throughout its whole life. And then in one night, it burned down. By all accounts its death was brought about by accident. No one was to blame, but nevertheless it died.

And now?

Could their be any better resurrection for a building than to become a temple? To literally become the house of the Lord? A place where thousands (if not millions) of souls will be given the saving ordinances of salvation?

This is why I want to be like the Provo Tabernacle. I want to live a good long life serving the people around me. Then I want to die (through no fault of anyone else), and then be resurrected. And I don't want to be resurrected to just any old state. I want to be like a temple: someone who helps other souls come unto Christ.

Well, I better go start living that kind of life right now. I've got a lot of work to do.

Architectural rendering of the finished temple
(source: newsroom.lds.org)

Family is the best

This morning, I read a woman's blog post about LDS women. Though I think her intents were good, I was uncomfortable by some of the impressions I got from reading the post. On and off all day I've thought of the oft repeated words of a prophet, "No other success can compensate for failure in the home."


In that light I just wanted to share a few thoughts from General Authorities on family (click on the speaker name for a link to the source of the quote).


President Eyring:
"Our most important and powerful assignments are in the family. They are important because the family has the opportunity at the start of a child’s life to put feet firmly on the path home. Parents, brothers and sisters, grandparents, aunts and uncles are made more powerful guides and rescuers by the bonds of love that are the very nature of a family."

President Eyring (again): 

"the greatest joys and the greatest sorrows we experience are in family relationships. The joys come from putting the welfare of others above our own. That is what love is. And the sorrow comes primarily from selfishness, which is the absence of love."

Elder Bednar:
"Feeling the security and constancy of love from a spouse, a parent, or a child is a rich blessing. Such love nurtures and sustains faith in God. Such love is a source of strength and casts out fear (see 1 John 4:18). Such love is the desire of every human soul."

President Monson:
"Near the end of his life, one father looked back on how he had spent his time on earth. An acclaimed, respected author of numerous scholarly works, he said, “I wish I had written one less book and taken my children fishing more often.”

Time passes quickly. Many parents say that it seems like yesterday that their children were born. Now those children are grown, perhaps with children of their own. “Where did the years go?” they ask. We cannot call back time that is past, we cannot stop time that now is, and we cannot experience the future in our present state. Time is a gift, a treasure not to be put aside for the future but to be used wisely in the present."

My prayer is that all of us, including myself, will seek to gain a greater testimony of the importance of the family. All of us can do that regardless of our age, gender, marital status, etc. I hope also, that with an increased testimony of the family, we will then change our behavior to more fully align with that divine standard: "faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities"

My Family
(minus everyone who isn't in this picture)