Until tomorrow

Dear Little One,

Tomorrow, if all goes well, you will come into this world. I'm so looking forward to seeing you and holding you. Smelling your baby smell, hearing your baby noises, seeing your squashy cheeks. Ahh.... some of the sweetest moments of motherhood.

You are baby number three in our family. I was also baby number three, as was your Grandpa Dean. I had two older brothers who, when I was born, were almost the exact ages that Nathan and Eva are right now. You have some powerhouse siblings. Your brother loves telling jokes, making Eva giggle, learning about cars and anything that goes, imagining he's a deep-sea explorer, and giving hugs and kind words at just the right moment. Your sister loves to snuggle soft toys, especially her bunny, and say "Awww!" while she give them a hug. She loves singing and joins in on the last word of each phrase of the songs she knows. She's starting to understand that other people have wants and needs and she loves asking about them. Like today when she asked if my crackers were all gone, and then asked, "Mommy, more crackers?" wondering if I wanted more. Oh, and of course she loves food. It's probably her true passion.

Though Eva is a little too young to understand that you're coming, Nathaniel understands quite well, and he can't wait. You should have seen the look on his face when I told him that tomorrow, Daddy and I would be going to the hospital where the doctor would help you be born. He ran right over to Grandma Kimi and excitedly told her the good news, which of course, she already knew!

This pregnancy has gone by so slowly and so quickly all at once. I think about you every day, and I feel a calm assurance that you're coming to our family and coming at this time by design. This pregnancy has been hard on me, and yet, I feel so deeply that you are worth all I've been through and overflowingly more.

I wanted you before I even new you were coming. A week or two before I found out I was pregnant with you, I attended a conference all about families in Salt Lake City. I thought so much about my own family and felt such gratitude for the shape our family had already taken. And I was already looking forward to the day when we'd have another child in our home. Wouldn't it be fun, I thought, if I was pregnant with that baby right now? Well, it turns out, I was pregnant with you. Right then. I just didn't know it.

And tomorrow morning, at 6am, we're to be at the hospital where they'll start the induction process. And then a few or many hours later, I hope to be holding you in my very own arms and kissing your very little cheeks.

Until tomorrow, then. I'll see you soon.

Love,
Momma

Eva Words

Eva says so many words. She has over 50 now, and I even heard her put two of them together in a pseudo-sentence a couple of days ago. Here's a list of some of my favorites:

"DAH-doo" = water
"beesh" = brush (as in brush her teeth)
"tar(s)" = car(s)
"MI-mi" = bunny (she LOVES her stuffed bunny)
"boss" = blocks
"BEH-ee" = belly
"byoo" = blue
"BAH-bist" = breakfast
"lush" = lunch
"TUH-tee"= cookie
"CHEY-oh-uh" = chair
"piz-OH" = puzzle
"bup" = book
"sauce" = socks
"sah" = song
"has" = I want that
"tyoo" = me too!
"hud" = hug
"bed" = blanket
"chees" = cheeks
"ah yoo" = I love you

Momma loves you too, my little sugar plum.

Wonder Struck

I want to remember this phase. There is such beauty, it almost melts me.

I am a home-body. I love being at home. I could stay in the house all day for even a couple of days and not miss going out. And I get to spend my days with my two small children.

Nathan says the most hilarious things. Today he said brightly while riding in the car, "Oops. I left my ear. I will pick it up." He loves to joke and tease you. Especially saying things the way he knows they aren't just to hear my reaction. Nathan loves to read too. He laughed a full belly laugh the other day when we read a book about a cat looking for his purr who was startled by a cuckoo clock. He brings me a book every day and says, "Mommy, read it, Please!" in his sing-song way. And anything that goes (trains, big-rigs, dump trucks, planes, cars, motorcycles) just fascinate him. He is so sweet to his sister. They sometimes giggle and play through nap-time and I often can't bring myself to put a stop to it. Nathan sings and dances and remembers so much. His mind is like a sponge that soaks up everything it sees.

Eva is learning how to show she understands what's going on around her. She'll mimic back several animal sounds if you do it first. Her horsey sound is a slobbery raspberry, she softly hisses like a snake, and her lion growl is so much fiercer than her petite frame belies. Eva crawls quickly and walks around the furniture. She loves taking hold of a finger from each of my hands and walking around the house. Eva will also speed-crawl into the kitchen when you aren't looking and forage for any food she may have dropped during meal time. Sometimes I think she drops the food on purpose so she can snack on it later. Eva loves to give open mouthed kisses and has 8 full teeth with two molars on the way, so you better believe those kisses are wet! My favorite is when she'll sneaky-kiss my face as I help her say her prayers at night. My eyes are closed and of a sudden slobbery lips are touching mine. Eva says "Ma-Ma" and "Da-da" and has started saying "hi!" especially when she sees herself in a mirror.

I've lived in a dark hole of anxiety and depression for so long, but since moving here my days are overwhelmingly bright and full. My mind and emotions aren't yet whole, but there is such a difference to the degree of depression. I feel more resilient, more able to become who I want to become. My home is staying cleaner than it's been, I'm finding time to pursue creativity through stitching, sewing, quilting, knitting. I feel more like me. Sometimes I dance in the grocery store just because I'm feeling bubbly. I'm sillier with my kids and have the emotional resources to imagine games with Nathaniel.

I don't know how to describe all the beauty in my life right now and this list is far from comprehensive. And too, not all is easy and perfect and good. The children scream. The dishes still pile (not to mention the clean and dirty laundry). I falter often and still have raw, fragile emotional times. But the predominant feeling is one of grateful wonderment at what a season of life this is.

I know it won't last. Some financial or physical or spiritual or mental or familial hardship will come. It has to, or I wouldn't grow into who I'm meant to. But I wanted to record this tranquil oasis in my life. I want to look back on it when the seas are rough again and be able to treasure that feeling and trust that the calm will someday reappear. It is a bliss I hope we all will have a chance to taste.

Baby signing

About 2.5 months ago, I checked out a book on baby sign language for Eva. She was screaming all the time. As in, if you sat her down on the floor she'd let out a really loud scream and then play for a minute happily as if nothing had happened, and then scream again, and then play some more. She'd scream in the car if she felt she'd been in there too long, or if the light was red for longer than she wanted. It was really not our favorite phase. Ignoring the screams helped, and so did some other things we tried, but I just felt like my girl needed an extra way to communicate... especially in a way that wasn't so grating on our nerves!

So, with a little bit of knowledge and an eye towards the long term, I began teaching her to sign "more".

And today, after many weeks, she started signing it. I'm so excited! She's starting to grasp the concept! And it makes my heart so happy!

Take a look:

Sharing suckers

When I was a kid I would have thought this was so gross.

New Adventures

Back in January, Chris started looking for a full time teaching position. Last month, we finally found one! Quickly everything fell into place and we're now living in beautiful Boise, Idaho. We are near family and are making lots of new friends. Our ward has been particularly welcoming and we are loving it here.

Since it's been a few months since the last post, here's an overview of what we've been up to told in pictures.

March:

In March, we visited our friends the Smith's in the Bay Area

Nathan chasing after his friend, Jackson

Smiling with the view from the Oakland Temple behind us

Eva at the Oakland Temple

Chris and Nathan at Golden Gate Bridge

We also visited Chris's Great Aunt Kathy and
Great-Grandma while in California

Chris's Great-Grandma with Eva (So that's her Great-Great-Grandaughter)

There's a span of 5 generations in this photo

Aunt Kathy making Eva smile

Nathaniel turned two!

Bought a potted plant, Nathan liked watering it

April:

Aunt Abbie came and visited during her spring break

We went and stayed at my parent's house for General Conference/Easter

Easter Egg hunt in Grandma's basement

Grandma sword fighting with Nathan, she taught him to say "En garde!"
 which he pronounced, "On dard!"

Provo City outdoor event at Rock Canyon Park

Nathan got to ride a pony at the Provo City event

Eva's first time swimming

Chris's graduation!

I embroidered bacon and eggs on the inside panel of his robes

May:

Nathan and Grandma drinking chocolate milk

Eva playing with cousin Luke

Big smiles at Grandma Kimi's house

A new dress to match her big smile

Siblings. This picture melts my heart

June:

Our backyard! (well, at least one corner of it)

Our front porch--it wraps around!

Walking to the library (only a 20 minute walk)

Shopping with Grandma Kimi at Winco

Ward campout in Montour, ID

Daddy and the kiddos hanging out in the tent

Nathaniel is saying "cheese!"

Bathtime

Life is very sweet!

Joy of Motherhood

Ok. So it's been my experience that lots of people talk about how hard being a parent is. There are lots of well-meaning warnings about less sleep, long hours, challenges, emotional struggles, etc. And it's also been my experience that these things are certainly part of being a parent.

But it's not the only part.

I've talked to moms who seemed hesitant to describe the joyful things of parenthood and I myself have felt that reluctance. I think it's because I'm worried about making other moms feel bad if they aren't having a jolly good time. Most women are hard enough on themselves without anyone else's help thank you very much. But I just feel even more strongly that there's just not enough talk about the joy of parenthood. And to you, mother or father who isn't having fun and it's just feeling hard. That's. totally. ok.

And right here and now. I'm going to share some of the joy I get from being a mom.

• Sometimes I pick up Nathan from nursery at church. His whole face lights up and he runs over to me shouting, "Mommy!" This boy loves nursery, but he loves his mommy more.
• Eva smiles at me and Chris like we are the coolest things she's ever seen. Yesterday she giggled at me just because I looked at her.
• Nathaniel brings me books to read to him many times a day. He always laughs his "sheep/goat" laugh when he can tell I'm going to stop doing whatever it was I was doing and read to him.
• The other day I was clacking a toy together and Nathaniel did this darling little dance where he grabbed his hands in front of him, and he twisted his torso back and forth while bobbing up and down. "I'n danseen!" he said with a huge grin on his face.
• Eva talks to me and tells me everything. It comes out as grunts and snorts and coos, and she always looks so grateful that someone is listening and talking back.
• Sometimes Nathan falls down or gets hurt. He comes running over, looks at me with those big beautiful eyes and asks sadly, "a better?" Of course, I kiss it better. How could I not?
• Nathaniel wants to communicate. When I don't understand what he's saying, he keeps trying and sometimes will describe what he wants in a different way so I can understand. I'm amazed at his patience with me as I struggle to get it.
• Eva has this little vibrating rocking chair thing. Nathan likes to pile toys on her while she's sitting in it. More than once I've looked over to see her half covered by teddies, car-cars, and toy tools.

Everything worthwhile has its ups and downs. We keep at it though because we feel like we're doing something meaningful. Being a mom is the most meaningful thing I've done in my whole life. So you know? I think I'll just keep on doing it.

Eva's first Thanksgiving - Momma's first.... (pictures and a long story)

Yesterday was Eva's first Thanksgiving. She slept lots. See?

Daddy napping, too.

Me 'n the kids.

Eva met her Aunt Sydney for the first time yesterday. It was love at first sight (for both of them):

She's been smiling lots when she's awake. Here Eva's smiling at Grandpa:

We've been having a beautiful time here. And it was a lovely Thanksgiving.

Yesterday was also my first time ever at the ER (Yayy!!... or not really so yay ;). About 10:45-ish it started really hurting right below my rib cage. At first it was just uncomfortable, but in a matter of minutes it was really bad. I mean, right up there with being in labor kind of painful. I have never been in that much constant pain.

So Chris and Steve gave me a blessing and then Chris drove me to the ER just off of Eagle road. He sped to get me there, (even more than he sped to get me to the hospital when I was in labor with Eva or Nathan) and we checked in at the desk. I was trying not to hyperventilate but it was really hard to breathe normally with that pain and through the tears. After what seemed like forever (but was probably only a few minutes), we were taken back to a room and a nurse took my vitals, asked a few questions and said the doctor would be in soon (by the way, when the nurse asked me to rate my pain, I said nine).

A few minutes after the nurse left, the pain started to subside. Quite quickly actually. At that point I was thinking "well... I'm really glad that I'm not in hardly any pain now, but I'll feel really foolish if we came here and all it was was that the turkey and mashed potatoes didn't agree with me." Still, the doctor came in and decided we should do some blood work, a urine sample, and an ultrasound.

We did all three of those, and during the ultra sound, the technician seemed to identify the source of the problem, but since she's not the doctor, she didn't tell me what it was. She just asked if it hurt when she pushed a little on a specific organ and when I said yes, she nodded as if she knew what was going on.

After waiting around a while longer, the doctor came in and told me that I had gall stones in my gall bladder. She said her recommendation was that I be admitted to the hospital and they'd do surgery to remove my gall bladder some time during the day (it was probably about 1 am at that point). Thankfully, my mom had her gall bladder out a few years ago, so I was already a little bit familiar with the procedure.

Eventually we got moved upstairs to the surgical ward, I had awesome nurses who took such good care of me. And I even got to try out one of those hospital grade breastfeeding pumps. Whoa. That guy works fast. That's all I'm saying.

Chris stayed there the rest of the night and we both got a few hours sleep. At about 9:00 the next morning, the surgeon came to my room to explain the procedure and answer any questions. He said if all went well, I'd be able to go home sometime after lunch.

They wheeled me down to pre-op at a little after 10:00. The anesthesiologist came and explained a bit about the meds they'd be giving me and side effects and such. He was probably my favorite doctor there. We ended up chatting (he and Chris and I) about our kids and marriage and stuff for 5-10 minutes. It was really fun.

Soon after that, they gave me my meds, and I don't even remember falling asleep. Next thing I knew, I was waking up in the recovery room and was really drowsy (and a bit dizzy). They wheeled me to where I could finish recovering for a little bit (just enough to be able to go to the bathroom and walk a little without aid) and Chris joined me there. We left the hospital at about 1:30 pm, and the rest of today I've just been taking it easy at Chris's parents' house.

This adventure totally wasn't in my plans for the weekend, but in spite of that, here are a few of the things I'm grateful about in this experience:

• Chris and Steve were able to give me a blessing, and God's timing meant that it was after we went to the ER that the pain went away. If God had timed the pain to go away right after they gave me a blessing, we probably wouldn't have gone to the hospital, and my disfunctional gall bladder would probably still be in me.
• We were here at Kim and Steve's so I didn't have to worry about Nathaniel and Eva being well taken care of. I knew they'd be safe, happy and loved with Grandma and Grandpa (and Aunt Izzy, too!)
• I'm still on Medicaid. If this had happened a few weeks from now, I wouldn't be, and it would have been a very expensive trip to Boise!
• I didn't have a gall bladder attack until after I ate turkey and mashed potatoes and rolls and pie. And I didn't throw up. That might have ruined Thanksgiving food for me. 
• My parents are just a phone call away and offered to let me and the kiddos stay with them next week once Chris has to start school again on Monday.
• So many people were praying for me. I feel incredibly loved. Even some people I hardly know. (like Selby!) Thank you for thinking of me and caring!
• The staff and doctors at St. Luke's were phenomenal. Everyone was so competent in their duties, and even more, they were friendly and talkative and supportive. I felt treated like a real person, and it seemed like everyone truly cared about me getting better.

When you add all those things together, I'd say that's evidence of a God who cares about me, and loves me more than I can know. Wouldn't you?

Happy Thanksgiving!

Birth 2.0

The three or so weeks leading up to Eva's birth were quite the mental/emotional struggle for me. Each week I felt like the contractions were "going up a notch" and getting us closer to the real thing, but because of how Nathaniel's labor/delivery went, I didn't really have a clue how many "notches" I still needed to go before we were at the real thing.

Enter Saturday, October 18th.

I'd had some uncomfortable contractions during the night, but by morning they had stopped being regular. One of the songs Chris wrote was being premiered up in Salt Lake that evening, and so his Grandma and Grandpa and Aunt Tine came down for the premier. They took us out to lunch, took us shopping, and then drove us up to the concert in Salt Lake. I'd been having sporadic contractions throughout the day, but I wasn't timing them, and they weren't increasing in intensity.

During the concert I started realizing that the contractions were coming at a fairly consistent rate. We went out to eat afterwards and during dinner, the contractions were starting to get kind of painful. I was having a harder and harder time concealing them from everyone else (As a side note, I'm not exactly sure why I felt like I needed to conceal them, maybe I just didn't want anyone to fuss over me or worry about me? Whatever the reason, I just wanted to keep them to myself).

On the ride home (about a 45 min drive) I began timing them. Sure enough they were consistently coming 3-5 minutes apart and they were getting harder and harder to deal with.

As soon as we got home, I told Chris that I thought this was the real thing. I was fairly certain our little girl was on the way. So... now we had to figure out what to do with Nathaniel while we went to the hospital. A good friend told me we could bring him over to her house, but I couldn't get a hold of her. I tried calling my mother to let her know and see if she could start making the two-hour trek down to our house, but no one at home answered the phone (and no answer on any cell phones either).

Finally I tried my brother and asked if he could maybe just hang out on our couch until we got a hold of someone who could take his place (he had a one-month-old baby at the time and also worked early morning custodial). He answered his phone and was able to come over.

During all this, the contractions were getting hard. I was sitting on our exercise ball trying to do anything that felt like it helped me cope with the pain of each contraction. I also began singing during them. Each made-up song went something like ,"Oh maaaan, this is reeeeeaaally uncomfortable right nooow! I really really wiiiish that this contraction would end! I really really hope that this is the reeeeall thing because if it's not, then I don't want to know what the reaaaaal thing feeeeeeels like!! etc. etc. etc."

Hey, you do what you gotta do, right?

Once Stephen was on his way, I had the idea to try calling my aunt who lives kiddy-corner from my parents to just see if she knew where they might be, or if they were home. She answered and said she'd go over and knock on their door to let my mom know I was in labor.

Stephen arrived, I grabbed my hospital bag, and Chris and I drove over to the hospital. On the way over there (about a 5 min drive) my mom called. Yay! She sounded super apologetic. She said that they'd all been watching The Two Towers downstairs in the basement and didn't hear the phone ring. They were at the battle of Helm's Deep and it was really intense when they finally heard pounding on the door from my aunt.

Very appropriate I thought, that while my family was watching the orcs' chant of war, I was facing my own intense battle and chanting/singing to get through it.

We filled my mom in on what was happening and said we'd call her as soon as we knew for sure that I was staying at the hospital.

We checked in at a little after 10:00pm and were shown to a room. The nurses came in a little while later and checked me. Melanie, who did the checking said, "Oh, yeah you are totally having this baby. You are at like a seven!" Whhhaaa? a seven!? I had nooo idea that's what a seven felt like! I felt kind of proud of myself, but the first thing I asked was, "Is that too late for an epidural?" "Nope," Melanie replied, "but we gotta step on it".

Quickly the nurses got the anesthesiologist who gave me a very big dose of epidural stuff. I don't know how far along I was by the time it took effect, but I think I was further than a seven by that point (my contraction-coping songs and noises were getting stranger and stranger by that point, but thankfully no one commented :). They also called my doctor, and did all the other things like hooking up monitors, asking me questions about my health, etc.

My water broke a little while after the epidural really started kicking in, and I could feel as our little girl descended the rest of the way down into pushing position.

By midnight, we were at pushing time. My doctor had arrived a couple of minutes earlier and we started pushing. I was asked if I wanted a mirror to which I tried to politely but firmly say "no." My doctor, the two nurses and Chris all cheered me on with every push. Once she started crowning, my doctor exclaimed, "She has so much hair!" (woohoo! I thought. I'd certainly had enough heartburn for her to have a lot of hair.) She really was ready to come by then. Nathan took over two hours of pushing before he came out. With our little girl, I pushed for about 20 minutes. She emerged all beautiful and blue and squirmy and as soon as she was cleaned off and weighed and stuff, I got to hold her and nurse her.

Our Eva Magdalena Machado was born at 12:21am, October 19, 2014. She was 20 inches long and weighed 8lbs 8oz.

Eva and I spent the normal two-days in the hospital and have both recovered well. She's even more mellow than her older brother, and I thought he was an easy newborn. Nathaniel loves his little sister and calls her, "Uh-va."

We're happily adjusting to life as a family of four. There are some challenging times, but there are also lots of beautiful moments each day.

Siblings

Today, Eva fell off the couch. She was fine (there happened to be lots of pillows), I think it just startled her, but her momma felt horrible. Nathaniel was all concerned when he saw my tears. He came and sat by me on the couch and started wiping them away. Unfortunately, because Eva was laying on my chest, that meant he kept smacking her in the face. Sometimes being the little sister is hard.

Nathaniel likes to go try and pick Eva up when she's sad. He doesn't get very far, but the cuteness melts my heart.

Trying to pick her up